Category Archives: Janet Ralph

Mother-talk diverse and challenging

The M Word: Conversations about Motherhood

Edited by Kerry Clare

Goose Lane Editions,

314 Pages, $22.95

Reviewed by Janet Ralph

The thoughtful, honest and sometimes humorous voices in this anthology speak from a wide array of perspectives. Featured writers range from a woman who presents her rational argument for why she chose to say “no” to babies to the woman who followed her instinct and produced four children with no regrets.

Readers will learn about the agonizing decision of whether to continue an unexpected pregnancy and the disappointing lack of results from months of treatment at a fertility clinic. Other essays report on twins, miscarriage, grieving the death of babies, step­parenting and the contemporary development of single and gay women choosing to have children with the aid of a sperm-donor clinic.

Some voices are as warm as a “heart to heart” with a close friend; others carry an undercurrent of anger or defensiveness because their choices are still criticized by some segments of society. One story feels aloof, another sad; one is sarcastic, another funny. Editor Kerry Clare’s compilation fittingly ends with a story written by a grandmother.

One of my favorite essays, because of its creativity and journalling of personal growth, is 
“Junior” by Maria Meindl. She tells a story about illness, daughterhood, self­knowledge and Junior, who is a unique kind of baby. I also admired Heather Birrell’s “Truth, Dare, Double­Dare” because of its superb style and ruthless honestly. Birrell eloquently clarifies the essence of the struggle in deciding to continue or end a pregnancy: “We found ourselves grappling with this perhaps most fundamental and mysterious intersection of biology, emotion, instinct and great complicated need.”

In “Dog Days,” Diana Fitzgerald Bryden beautifully sums up the experience of caring for babies when she writes of the “early days of constant interruption and blinding love, visceral engagement with the life of an infant as well as the attendant boredom, frustration and fatigue.”

Two additional perspectives I would have liked to see included in this conversation: those from an infertile couple (or single) who desperately wants a child but can’t afford the expense of adopting a baby from another country; and a woman who chooses to continue a pregnancy and give the baby to a person who wants but cannot produce a child.

The adoption choice is briefly touched on by Clare in her story “Doubleness Clarifies.” She uses the words of a young protagonist in Lynn Coady’s novel Strange Heaven to dismiss the option:  “Yes, but real human beings shouldn’t have to go through that.”
 In Clare’s story of choosing abortion to end her pregnancy, she defends her choice on an intellectual level but doesn’t give readers insight into the emotional aspects of her experience. Modern motherhood is complex in ways our grandmothers could never have imagined, yet the deeper elements of the experience remain the same.

The M Word is a book I would have benefited from reading when I was a young mother more than 30 years ago. I have recommended it to my daughters now as they ponder their motherhood choices.

Janet Ralph is a Victoria reader and writing student. 

An Informative Journey Beyond Down Syndrome

Writing With Grace: A Journey Beyond Down Syndrome

By Judy McFarlane

Douglas & McIntyre  2013

205 pp. $22.95

Reviewed by Janet Ralph

      Vancouver writer Judy McFarlane uses a personal and conversational style to invite readers into her experience mentoring Grace Chen, a young woman with Down Syndrome, who has a dream of becoming a famous writer. McFarlane is initially uncertain about the task but, after doing research into Down Syndrome and confronting her own fear and prejudice, she decides to work with Grace. 

       Hopes and dreams form the essence of the story— the most delightful being Grace’s retelling of the Cinderella tale, which includes Grace as the heroine, Ronald, a boy she likes, their honeymoon, an emergency helicopter rescue off the Titanic, three babies and a future career of espionage. In her next story, Grace plans to send the duo into space.

       McFarlane includes many other dreams in her book, including her own neglected childhood dream of becoming a writer, and her daughter’s dream of a career in theatre. She also looks at the hopes and dreams of adults with Down Syndrome for acceptance in schools, jobs, friendships, love and safe places to live their lives – in short, their basic human needs.

      Woven into the stories are quotes from Jean Vanier’s book Becoming Human, Robert Murphy’s The Body Silent and Martha Beck’s Expecting Adam. All offer insights into life with handicaps and prejudice towards people with disabilities. McFarlane refers to David Wright’s book Downs: The History of Disability to summarize the tragic treatment of people with intellectual disabilities in the past.

      Writing With Grace has a mosaic structure with six parts, each made up of short sections of stories and research. Although the title suggests otherwise, the author’s experience writing with Grace actually takes a back seat to McFarlane’s own life: her pursuit of a writing career, her parents, brothers, husband and children. 

            Sometimes abrupt story shifts disrupt connections between stories, resulting in some connections feeling contrived. McFarlane’s writing flows well when exploring research on high-functioning individuals with Down Syndrome. However, the discussion of Down Syndrome would be more complete if she had included information about the lives of families who are dealing with lower-functioning people with Down Syndrome as well.

     In the end, Grace’s venture into writing is a success. She is recognized in her community in British Columbia and in her birthplace of Taiwan. Her family bond is strengthened by a visit with her grandfather who finally accepts her as she is. Even better, at the World Down Syndrome Congress, Grace promotes her book and meets others who share her abilities and interests.

            The Jean Vanier epigram McFarlane chooses is apt for every human story: “Is it not the life undertaking of all of us . . . to become human? It can be a long and sometimes painful process. It involves a growth to freedom, an opening up of our hearts to others, no longer hiding behind masks or behind walls of fear or prejudice. It means discovering our common humanity.” 

Janet Ralph is a Victoria reader and writer.